Every day I get new insights about CHOICES-and they always fall into one or more of the following categories: doing, saying, thinking, acting on, considering, ignoring, making, feeling, reacting/not reacting, responding/not responding....and hundreds more I have or haven't actively or consciously explored.
A little more than twenty years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia-an auto-immune disorder that attacks the body's muscles and connective tissues. During a really severe exacerbation, I am literally bed-ridden for days, weeks, or even months at a time with muscle spasms, extreme fatigue, listlessness, sleeplessness, and the overall feeling of having a bad case of Flu with vast areas of the body screamingly painful and tender to touch; even the hair on my head seems to rebel if a comb or brush comes within close proximity, threatening to inflict torture. Without going into detail on the research and diagnostic suppositions regarding this disease, I'll simply say-IT'S NASTY! Thankfully, the debilitating episodes have become less frequent during this past year and major complaints have been limited to bouts of fatigue, muscle aches & spasms with tenderness and some limited mobility for shorter periods of time (days, rather than weeks or months), allowing me to function easier on a daily basis. I still have Fibro, but it doesn't have Me....at least not ALL the time. And, it's become more of a “mind over matter” thing...I “mind” and it still “matters”, but my conscious functionality is at a higher level.
So, where am I going with all this? About three weeks ago my husband and I returned home following a 2 month vacation driving up and down the West coast, going as far north as Victoria, BC. It was the first vacation time we had taken in 3 years because of his past ill health and it was time to “celebrate life”, so to speak. I did most of the driving and ALL of the trip planning and looked at it as a joyful challenge-most of the time. And here's the odd thing.....in spite of all the hours in the car, sleeping in beds I wasn't used to, hiking or taking long walks (sometimes as many as 7-9 miles in a single day while sightseeing)on all types of terrain, packing and unpacking, hoisting luggage and bags in and out of the car, and commuting on various forms of public transportation as a very active tourist, I never once experienced an entire day totally debilitated with a Fibro flare up. What's up with THAT? Why is it that doing normal household routines, or shopping at the grocery store, or running mundane errands, or sweeping the carport, or cooking a meal and doing dishes afterward can wipe me out and send me scrambling to the medicine cabinet for pain relief, a muscle relaxant, or something to help me sleep?
Mindset and choices-that's what it's all about. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't have some aches and pains and a little trouble sleeping during my vacation-I DID; however, the difference is that I clearly chose to set the physical feelings of discomfort aside and ENJOY the positive aspects of what was going on around me and what I was experiencing. And, I chose to immerse myself in the joy of my experiences, rather than in the possible negative consequences of exceeding my energy levels by saying to myself, “I may be overdoing it right now, but it's so worth it!” As a tool to keep me going I hung my camera around my neck and rarely experienced a day without it. I took thousands of pictures to capture the amazing moments we shared and the ones I experienced on my own. And now, as I review them and sort through them I have a another way to remind myself that I HAVE THE POWER to feel however I choose to feel on any given day at any given moment, for any amount of time. And THAT makes any aches, pains, fatigue, or hint of negativity that wants to attack me all the more worthwhile. It's a question of “Mind Over Matter'-I Mind and IT Matters.
Thank you all for letting me share my thoughts with you. Please send me your comments and for further information, please feel free to contact me at my website: www.fromme2youonline.com.
Sincerely,
Laurie Jo
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Obsessiveness VS Choice
When is a behavior NOT a form of obsessive compulsiveness, but rather a matter of choice?
I'd like to think that, on the most part, I'm pretty good at controlling obsessive behaviors. Once in a while I even manage to recognize a potentially obsessive behavior before I give in to it. This can be especially helpful if acting on the behavior would, as a resulting consequence, cause excessive physical discomfort. After all, why would any of us intentionally want to harm ourselves, right?
My husband and I bought a house 2 years ago that had been previously occupied for 3 years. Everything about it was perfect, except for one thing; I don't think the previous owner had EVER washed the kitchen floor. I believed he must have swept it, but that was the extent of his kitchen floor cleanliness. The fact that he had been a very heavy smoker only added to the depth of its grime. Here's the thing. I have washed the floor many times and thought I had been cleaning it...REALLY! What I hadn't realized was that the floor was actually a light ivory patterned linoleum-not tan and dark beige! I take full responsibility for being a non-observant idiot and as a result had committed myself to doing something about it, once I discovered the horror that lay under my feet.
To make a long story short, I tried everything imaginable and even cleaning techniques sworn to work by others. I talked to a girlfriend who was, in my opinion, the Queen of Clean, having run her own cleaning service for years. I bought what she told me would work the best, with “no problem”. Even the guy at the hardware store told me it was a “sure fire wonder” and to be careful not to use too much, since it may take the no wax shine off the original finish. I even bought a shine restorer, just in case. I was loaded for bear and armed with a new mop, ready to take on the task of renewing my 11'x16' kitchen floor with vigor and enthusiasm.
After the first application and subsequent clear water rinse, there was NO noticeable difference. I thought, “OK, I'll try again with a stronger solution mix and leave it on a little longer before mopping.: NADA! NOTHING! ZILCH! What the H...? I committed to trying it again and using a scrub brush along with the mop to help scrub away the grime. I felt like Lady Macbeth who couldn't get the blood off her hands! I was a Mad woman with a purpose who couldn't stop. After 4 hours of intense physical labor I was frustrated and not wanting to admit defeat. The sweat was literally dripping from my brow and I was for all intense and purposes a MESS and so was the mop-it was shredded, and the floor didn't look much better!
On my way to the store to buy a new mop to finish the job, I called my friend Bonnie, who often submits articles for this “I Believe” blog and who is extremely insightful about human behavior and why people do what they do. She listened patiently as I ranted on and on about my new “obsession” , interjecting my one-sided conversation with myself with words like, “I don't know WHAT it's all about, it's so weird...” and “Why aren't I falling flat on my face with exhaustion rather than feeling almost manic with energy?” When I finally took a breath and came up for air, she simply said, “It's not about being obsessive with getting the floor clean-it's about YOU and needing to clean some things up in your life.” WOW! I didn't see THAT coming! Well, maybe I actually did-but chose to ignore the possibility that I had some serious stuff to work on about myself.
When our conversation came to an end, I realized that while we were talking I actually bought the mop, committed to “finishing” what I had started. Oh CRAP! Maybe I really was having an obsessive compulsive breakdown. Choices. At that moment I chose to think of the experience as “continuing” the first step of self help cleanup. In fact, I even told myself that it didn't all have to be done in the same day and I committed to taking a break for a day or two before attacking the task with renewed vigor and purpose.
Looking back at yesterday's frenetic activities and last night's decision to curl up on the couch with some relaxing music and a cold Key lime Pie Martini before taking a hot lavender bath and calling it a night was definitely a wise choice. When I woke up refreshed this morning and headed to the kitchen for a cup of coffee there was the mop and bucket right where I had left it. AND, it's still there! Tomorrow is another day for another challenge. And I will face it with the realization that “it's just a floor and I'm bigger than any 11'x16' piece of territory on ANY day! YEAH!”
In the meantime, I'm spending my emotional energy on sorting through what it is that I need to work on with MYSELF. It may take some time, but the choice is mine to take. Who knows? Maybe the next time I feel a bit compulsive and manic I will channel it into something more exotic like preparing a complicated French recipe. Julia Childs, look out!
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I hope I have given you some insights and food for thought. Let me know if you have had similar experiences or if you wish to comment, please let me hear from you.
From Me 2 You Online,
Laurie Jo
I'd like to think that, on the most part, I'm pretty good at controlling obsessive behaviors. Once in a while I even manage to recognize a potentially obsessive behavior before I give in to it. This can be especially helpful if acting on the behavior would, as a resulting consequence, cause excessive physical discomfort. After all, why would any of us intentionally want to harm ourselves, right?
My husband and I bought a house 2 years ago that had been previously occupied for 3 years. Everything about it was perfect, except for one thing; I don't think the previous owner had EVER washed the kitchen floor. I believed he must have swept it, but that was the extent of his kitchen floor cleanliness. The fact that he had been a very heavy smoker only added to the depth of its grime. Here's the thing. I have washed the floor many times and thought I had been cleaning it...REALLY! What I hadn't realized was that the floor was actually a light ivory patterned linoleum-not tan and dark beige! I take full responsibility for being a non-observant idiot and as a result had committed myself to doing something about it, once I discovered the horror that lay under my feet.
To make a long story short, I tried everything imaginable and even cleaning techniques sworn to work by others. I talked to a girlfriend who was, in my opinion, the Queen of Clean, having run her own cleaning service for years. I bought what she told me would work the best, with “no problem”. Even the guy at the hardware store told me it was a “sure fire wonder” and to be careful not to use too much, since it may take the no wax shine off the original finish. I even bought a shine restorer, just in case. I was loaded for bear and armed with a new mop, ready to take on the task of renewing my 11'x16' kitchen floor with vigor and enthusiasm.
After the first application and subsequent clear water rinse, there was NO noticeable difference. I thought, “OK, I'll try again with a stronger solution mix and leave it on a little longer before mopping.: NADA! NOTHING! ZILCH! What the H...? I committed to trying it again and using a scrub brush along with the mop to help scrub away the grime. I felt like Lady Macbeth who couldn't get the blood off her hands! I was a Mad woman with a purpose who couldn't stop. After 4 hours of intense physical labor I was frustrated and not wanting to admit defeat. The sweat was literally dripping from my brow and I was for all intense and purposes a MESS and so was the mop-it was shredded, and the floor didn't look much better!
On my way to the store to buy a new mop to finish the job, I called my friend Bonnie, who often submits articles for this “I Believe” blog and who is extremely insightful about human behavior and why people do what they do. She listened patiently as I ranted on and on about my new “obsession” , interjecting my one-sided conversation with myself with words like, “I don't know WHAT it's all about, it's so weird...” and “Why aren't I falling flat on my face with exhaustion rather than feeling almost manic with energy?” When I finally took a breath and came up for air, she simply said, “It's not about being obsessive with getting the floor clean-it's about YOU and needing to clean some things up in your life.” WOW! I didn't see THAT coming! Well, maybe I actually did-but chose to ignore the possibility that I had some serious stuff to work on about myself.
When our conversation came to an end, I realized that while we were talking I actually bought the mop, committed to “finishing” what I had started. Oh CRAP! Maybe I really was having an obsessive compulsive breakdown. Choices. At that moment I chose to think of the experience as “continuing” the first step of self help cleanup. In fact, I even told myself that it didn't all have to be done in the same day and I committed to taking a break for a day or two before attacking the task with renewed vigor and purpose.
Looking back at yesterday's frenetic activities and last night's decision to curl up on the couch with some relaxing music and a cold Key lime Pie Martini before taking a hot lavender bath and calling it a night was definitely a wise choice. When I woke up refreshed this morning and headed to the kitchen for a cup of coffee there was the mop and bucket right where I had left it. AND, it's still there! Tomorrow is another day for another challenge. And I will face it with the realization that “it's just a floor and I'm bigger than any 11'x16' piece of territory on ANY day! YEAH!”
In the meantime, I'm spending my emotional energy on sorting through what it is that I need to work on with MYSELF. It may take some time, but the choice is mine to take. Who knows? Maybe the next time I feel a bit compulsive and manic I will channel it into something more exotic like preparing a complicated French recipe. Julia Childs, look out!
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I hope I have given you some insights and food for thought. Let me know if you have had similar experiences or if you wish to comment, please let me hear from you.
From Me 2 You Online,
Laurie Jo
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Do we choose to be Blind?
I believe that a lot of us, at some time or another during our lifetime, go through our days as if we were blind to the rest of the world. It's almost as if for whatever reason we were struck blind all of a sudden. I've felt this way at times when I either refused to “see” what was going on around me, or even “see” another's point of view. Sometimes I would slap my forehead and say something like-”Oops, I lost my awareness there for a while”; or, using the expression from the TV commercial for V8 juice, “I could have had a V8!”...that's one of my personal favorites and I've used it for years.
This past weekend I received one of the Netflix movies, Blindness, I had put in my que at the beginning of the summer. I don't know if any of you have seen it, but it looked intriguing and I like the actors in it (especially Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo and Danny Glover). It started out interestingly enough with various characters being suddenly struck “blind” seeing a white light, rather than black darkness, and the initial choice of characters to be stricken were curiously selected. Mark Ruffalo played an Opthamologist, for example. I started to look for contrasts and similarities in their personalities and was becoming quite philosophical and even psychological about the strategic selections made by the writers as to whom would become blind. I took it a step further and put myself in Julianna Moore's character, who was the ONLY protagonist in the cast of characters (other than the government people – isn't THAT interesting?) ” amongst the hundreds who were sharing a government controlled prison-like, internment camp hospital environment who could actually “see”. She had chosen to accompany her husband, played by Mark Ruffalo, when he was the first to be transported to the quarantine facility because she wanted to be supportive and to help him.
As the movie progresses, all sense of order breaks loose in the hospital. Moore continues to keep her sight a secret and tries to minimize the chaos to little avail. It is up to her to lead a group safely to the streets without getting shot by the government appointed guards who truly believe that physical contact with these people will inflict them with the blindness as well. On the most part, I think that a psychologist would have a full time practice analyzing the significance of each character's blindness (as well as those not blinded) and I'd almost be curious enough to read the case files or attempt an analysis of my own. But, in truth, I can't tell you how the movie ended-I did not choose to watch the ensuing chaos past the halfway point of the movie.
What does that say about me? Initially I felt it was because it was too depressing and I didn't need to put myself through that. Now, two days later, I'm thinking it was because it struck home on several levels (which was probably the point for making the movie in the first place, DUH!).
All my life I've been helping people – especially the last 3 years during my husband's health issues. All my life I've tried to be the practical “leader” in many situations that required making sense out of chaos. And, more times than I can count, I've tried to put a bandage on things that didn't look or feel right in the hopes that the negative stuff would disappear and “be all better” in a flash. Talk about turning a “blind eye” to life! Well, I've decided, at least for the next few days, I'm going to CHOOSE to keep my eyes open. Open to new ideas, new possibilities, new opportunities, new relationships, new surroundings, …..anything NEW and fresh I am welcoming into my life and making an agreement with myself to “see it” for what it is, on ANY level...as long as I allow myself to SEE!
I believe that BLINDNESS and/or losing even partial sight on physical and/or psychological levels, is all about making choices. We have the FREEDOM to choose how we want to live our lives every single second of every single day. The choices might be smaller or fewer for some than others, but even ONE choice is better than NO choice, and we all at least have one. Pick it! Choose it! Live it! That's my new mantra today.
Thanks you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I hope I have given you something positive to think about and something new to ponder.
From Me 2 You Online,
Laurie Jo
This past weekend I received one of the Netflix movies, Blindness, I had put in my que at the beginning of the summer. I don't know if any of you have seen it, but it looked intriguing and I like the actors in it (especially Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo and Danny Glover). It started out interestingly enough with various characters being suddenly struck “blind” seeing a white light, rather than black darkness, and the initial choice of characters to be stricken were curiously selected. Mark Ruffalo played an Opthamologist, for example. I started to look for contrasts and similarities in their personalities and was becoming quite philosophical and even psychological about the strategic selections made by the writers as to whom would become blind. I took it a step further and put myself in Julianna Moore's character, who was the ONLY protagonist in the cast of characters (other than the government people – isn't THAT interesting?) ” amongst the hundreds who were sharing a government controlled prison-like, internment camp hospital environment who could actually “see”. She had chosen to accompany her husband, played by Mark Ruffalo, when he was the first to be transported to the quarantine facility because she wanted to be supportive and to help him.
As the movie progresses, all sense of order breaks loose in the hospital. Moore continues to keep her sight a secret and tries to minimize the chaos to little avail. It is up to her to lead a group safely to the streets without getting shot by the government appointed guards who truly believe that physical contact with these people will inflict them with the blindness as well. On the most part, I think that a psychologist would have a full time practice analyzing the significance of each character's blindness (as well as those not blinded) and I'd almost be curious enough to read the case files or attempt an analysis of my own. But, in truth, I can't tell you how the movie ended-I did not choose to watch the ensuing chaos past the halfway point of the movie.
What does that say about me? Initially I felt it was because it was too depressing and I didn't need to put myself through that. Now, two days later, I'm thinking it was because it struck home on several levels (which was probably the point for making the movie in the first place, DUH!).
All my life I've been helping people – especially the last 3 years during my husband's health issues. All my life I've tried to be the practical “leader” in many situations that required making sense out of chaos. And, more times than I can count, I've tried to put a bandage on things that didn't look or feel right in the hopes that the negative stuff would disappear and “be all better” in a flash. Talk about turning a “blind eye” to life! Well, I've decided, at least for the next few days, I'm going to CHOOSE to keep my eyes open. Open to new ideas, new possibilities, new opportunities, new relationships, new surroundings, …..anything NEW and fresh I am welcoming into my life and making an agreement with myself to “see it” for what it is, on ANY level...as long as I allow myself to SEE!
I believe that BLINDNESS and/or losing even partial sight on physical and/or psychological levels, is all about making choices. We have the FREEDOM to choose how we want to live our lives every single second of every single day. The choices might be smaller or fewer for some than others, but even ONE choice is better than NO choice, and we all at least have one. Pick it! Choose it! Live it! That's my new mantra today.
Thanks you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I hope I have given you something positive to think about and something new to ponder.
From Me 2 You Online,
Laurie Jo
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