Obsessiveness VS Choice

When is a behavior NOT a form of obsessive compulsiveness, but rather a matter of choice?

I'd like to think that, on the most part, I'm pretty good at controlling obsessive behaviors. Once in a while I even manage to recognize a potentially obsessive behavior before I give in to it. This can be especially helpful if acting on the behavior would, as a resulting consequence, cause excessive physical discomfort. After all, why would any of us intentionally want to harm ourselves, right?

My husband and I bought a house 2 years ago that had been previously occupied for 3 years. Everything about it was perfect, except for one thing; I don't think the previous owner had EVER washed the kitchen floor. I believed he must have swept it, but that was the extent of his kitchen floor cleanliness. The fact that he had been a very heavy smoker only added to the depth of its grime. Here's the thing. I have washed the floor many times and thought I had been cleaning it...REALLY! What I hadn't realized was that the floor was actually a light ivory patterned linoleum-not tan and dark beige! I take full responsibility for being a non-observant idiot and as a result had committed myself to doing something about it, once I discovered the horror that lay under my feet.

To make a long story short, I tried everything imaginable and even cleaning techniques sworn to work by others. I talked to a girlfriend who was, in my opinion, the Queen of Clean, having run her own cleaning service for years. I bought what she told me would work the best, with “no problem”. Even the guy at the hardware store told me it was a “sure fire wonder” and to be careful not to use too much, since it may take the no wax shine off the original finish. I even bought a shine restorer, just in case. I was loaded for bear and armed with a new mop, ready to take on the task of renewing my 11'x16' kitchen floor with vigor and enthusiasm.

After the first application and subsequent clear water rinse, there was NO noticeable difference. I thought, “OK, I'll try again with a stronger solution mix and leave it on a little longer before mopping.: NADA! NOTHING! ZILCH! What the H...? I committed to trying it again and using a scrub brush along with the mop to help scrub away the grime. I felt like Lady Macbeth who couldn't get the blood off her hands! I was a Mad woman with a purpose who couldn't stop. After 4 hours of intense physical labor I was frustrated and not wanting to admit defeat. The sweat was literally dripping from my brow and I was for all intense and purposes a MESS and so was the mop-it was shredded, and the floor didn't look much better!

On my way to the store to buy a new mop to finish the job, I called my friend Bonnie, who often submits articles for this “I Believe” blog and who is extremely insightful about human behavior and why people do what they do. She listened patiently as I ranted on and on about my new “obsession” , interjecting my one-sided conversation with myself with words like, “I don't know WHAT it's all about, it's so weird...” and “Why aren't I falling flat on my face with exhaustion rather than feeling almost manic with energy?” When I finally took a breath and came up for air, she simply said, “It's not about being obsessive with getting the floor clean-it's about YOU and needing to clean some things up in your life.” WOW! I didn't see THAT coming! Well, maybe I actually did-but chose to ignore the possibility that I had some serious stuff to work on about myself.

When our conversation came to an end, I realized that while we were talking I actually bought the mop, committed to “finishing” what I had started. Oh CRAP! Maybe I really was having an obsessive compulsive breakdown. Choices. At that moment I chose to think of the experience as “continuing” the first step of self help cleanup. In fact, I even told myself that it didn't all have to be done in the same day and I committed to taking a break for a day or two before attacking the task with renewed vigor and purpose.

Looking back at yesterday's frenetic activities and last night's decision to curl up on the couch with some relaxing music and a cold Key lime Pie Martini before taking a hot lavender bath and calling it a night was definitely a wise choice. When I woke up refreshed this morning and headed to the kitchen for a cup of coffee there was the mop and bucket right where I had left it. AND, it's still there! Tomorrow is another day for another challenge. And I will face it with the realization that “it's just a floor and I'm bigger than any 11'x16' piece of territory on ANY day! YEAH!”

In the meantime, I'm spending my emotional energy on sorting through what it is that I need to work on with MYSELF. It may take some time, but the choice is mine to take. Who knows? Maybe the next time I feel a bit compulsive and manic I will channel it into something more exotic like preparing a complicated French recipe. Julia Childs, look out!

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I hope I have given you some insights and food for thought. Let me know if you have had similar experiences or if you wish to comment, please let me hear from you.

From Me 2 You Online,
Laurie Jo